Sexual Addiction Therapy

It’s still taboo to talk about sex, even in marriages.

Yes, it’s true… even though sexual images FLOOD the media.

TV shows and movies portray a plethora of sexual encounters, teasing, flirting, hook-ups, and intimate and revealing sex scenes.

All these images leave the consumer with unrealistic expectations of sex. Sex on TV is hot and steamy, as well as choreographed and recorded several times to capture the perfect scene.

The characters don’t talk about what they want out of sex prior to engaging, they just do it – and on TV everyone’s needs seem to be magically fulfilled.

This is not reality, even for married couples. The only reality that couples take from the playbook of a movie scene is not talking about their sex life.

Many couples never reveal their deepest desires, their hopes, or their fantasies when it comes to sex. They share a physically intimate moment, but many are afraid to open up and share an emotionally intimate moment by expressing what they desire for their sex life.

The fear of being rejected runs deep, so it is easier to suffer through a mediocre sex life than to run the risk of speaking up.

If sex is already difficult to discuss, then admitting that you or your spouse has a sexual addiction is almost unspeakable.

Anatomy of a sexual addiction…

A sexual addiction is ritualized sexual actions that consume a person’s thoughts, time, energy, and/or money.

These sexual actions can involve viewing pornography, masturbating, voyeurism, affairs, phone sex, use of prostitutes, constant nagging to have a three-some, swinging, fetishes, and anonymous sex.

Typically, these practices are done in secret, with great efforts and lengths taken to keep these actions hidden. When they are not hidden, a sexual addict will down-play the frequency of these actions, get angry when asked to stop, or refuse to respect the boundaries of their partner by telling their partner they are a prude and need to be more open.

Sexual addictions can devastate marriages, families, and even communities.

When a sexual addiction is discovered, the partner of the sex addict feels a deep sense of betrayal. This can leave the mind, heart, and soul of the spouse traumatized and broken.

The spouse has a difficult time processing what occurred. They can slip into a deep depression as well as take out their anger and frustration on their partner, kids, or people at work.

Anxiety and fear of a relapse become a normal part of life. Without the correct type of help, it can be difficult to find healing, and the spouse continues life feeling wounded.

Likewise, the partner with the sexual addiction feels extremely vulnerable and fearful of losing everything. They must figure out how to live a sober life, outside of the ritualized cycle. For many, the cycle follows the same pattern.

First, addicts seek out their sexual preference. Then they act out, typically through masturbation or some other sexual encounter. After the “high” of acting out wears off, they are then filled with an immense amount of guilt and shame. They make promises to themselves that they will be a better partner and that this time it will be different.

For many addicts, there is a huge sense of relief that they were caught because the ritual, or cycl, is finally over. For others, they feel out of control and angry now that their secret is exposed, because they were not ready to give it up.

These hidden “secrets” deteriorate the trust in a relationship. These hidden “secrets” create a sense of insecurity in the marriage. These hidden “secrets” cause the marriage to not feel safe.

These “secrets” can cause divorces, which impacts children and has a ripple effect into the community. Also, depending on the prominence and social position of a sexual addict in the community, a sexual addiction can leave a whole community feeling vulnerable and mistrusting.

FEAR dominates the mind of a sexual addict and their spouse.

Fear is a common feeling in both spouses when a sexual addiction is discovered.

The spouse of a sex addict fears being embarrassed and ashamed that their family and friends will discover the details. They don’t want to be gossiped about, looked down upon, or excluded. This causes the spouse to isolate themselves, which only increases their sense of helplessness and depression.

Likewise, the sexual addict fears that others will only see their addiction and that he/she will no longer be respected, loved, or cared for.

LIES also dominate a sexual addict’s life.

These lies originate from a deep fear of being rejected.

Many addicts genuinely love their partner and do not desire to hurt them.

Addicts lie, believing that they are saving their spouse from the ugly truth.

However, lies are often exposed; and it makes matters worse, because the offended spouse’s choice to decide how they want to feel has been eliminated. They are now dealing with a double whammy of being lied to, as well as the discovery of the sexual addiction. This in turn creates a self-fulfilling prophesy of the addict’s greatest fear: they now feel rejected.

Once a sexual addiction in a marriage is discovered, there is a desire to ignore it. There is a hope that just revealing it will make the “secrets” go away and the partner that is addicted will automatically stop. There is a longing to hit the reset button and an attempt and need to figure it out on your own. These yearnings stem from wanting to avoid the pain of dealing with this new discovery.

It is completely understandable – this is not what you wanted for your marriage. Sure, your marriage had its problems, but you would have never imagined that this would now be your current marital status or issues.

The fact that you are dealing with this makes you mad, embarrassed, and confused. Fearfully avoiding the pain seems like a much better idea than healing. Healing feels difficult and impossible, and fear of dealing with the pain only increases the feelings of impossibility.

Freedom from fear is around the corner, but you must go through the work to get it.